Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.
~ Eat, Pray, Love
The next day, I sat on my bed. I knew it was time. Time for me and God to sort things out. It was time to face my pain. The avalanche. The Tide. I felt like I’d been grieving for so long. I didn’t want to grieve anymore. I didn’t want to cry anymore. But it was the only way. I knew Pain was still in my heart. I knew I was broken. I have to work my way through it. Through it is the only way passed it. There’s no going around it. There’s no ignoring it. There’s no drinking it away. I crossed my legs and sat still. In the quiet, by myself.
I’m ready Lord. I looked within my own heart. The avalanche of pain that I’d been running from. I stopped. It took all of the courage I had. I stopped running. I turned around. And I faced the avalanche. I faced Pain. I was expecting to get flatlined by a torrent of emotions. Swept up in Pain’s avalanche where I would be pummeled, beaten, and buried.
Instead, slow tears came as I felt God put is hand on my heart. It wasn’t an avalanche. It was gentle drops of healing oil. I cried while my Heavenly Father poured his love on me. With the skilled hands of a surgeon, He began to mend my broken heart. I was a little lamb. A little lamb with a terrible injury. Running around the paddock in pain. Bumping into things. Making it worse. The shepherd wanted to pull me into his lap so he could fix me up. But whenever he came close I ran away. Don’t touch it! It hurts too much it hurts too much, just leave it. Leave me alone! But the little lamb was ready now. Ready to lay in the Shepherd’s lap. To let him put his hands on the sorest places. Trusting that, as much as it may hurt, He is going to make me better. If I just let Him. And that, when the time is right, He will send me bounding back into the paddock again. All healed up.
Four weeks grief settled over me like a gray sky. Incessant tears. Not like the waves that would come to drown me. Like steady winter rain. There’s a time to grieve. And I was grieving. The song “It is Well with My Soul” brought me much comfort. I sat. Staring out the window. The clouds and rain echoing my heart’s melancholy. Listening to the precious words of hope. Hope beyond brokenness. That my soul is well. Despite the loss. The suffering. The trauma. The pain. Death. It is well. The tears welled up in my eyes and fell down my cheeks. Dripping off my chin. Then more would well up and fall. Rise and fall. Rise and fall. The only way past it, is through it. I was lost at sea. In a boat. Feeling the water’s rise and fall with its gentle ebb. Unsure where I was headed. But trusting that God, my rudder, would guide me back to port. Eventually. That was me. Sitting. Staring. Weeping. My weathered soul’s lament. My baby. I love you my baby. I’m sorry baby. Mommy loves you, baby. Dean. Dean. I miss you, sweetie. Gone. You’re gone. Can’t get you back. Alone. I’m alone. Won’t see you. Not in this life I won’t.
Not long after my sister and my cousin got pregnant. Both with girls. The news stung.
My baby is dead.
My husband is dead.
After my four weeks of tears, something started to happen. Something changed. A strength. A strength that I had never felt before, rose. Determination. Out of the ashes the Phoenix rose. That was me. I don’t know how. God. He’s the only One that could have done it. I felt iron in my bones. Where I had felt the shakes, quakes, and quivers. I was immovable. Undeterred. Resurrected. Determined not to give up. I am not going to curl up with a bottle of whiskey. Fuck no. I am not going to give up. Leaving the house to go work at Starbucks, walking out to my car. Fuck no I’m not giving up. NO! I had been in the fire and everything had burned away. All that was left was made of steel. If I can bury Dean. If I can let go of my angel baby. I can do anything. To the powers of darkness: You cannot have my smile. You will not take my joy. It is mine. I’m going to keep smiling and keep laughing and keep loving.
I made a decision. Any negative thought I had or sensed from anyone else, I’m going to turn it into joy. And love. And hope. With light, and everything good.